I found God at a twenty one pilots concert.
Photo Credit: Brad Heaton
I know that looking at the title of this post may be a bit deceiving, so I thought I would clarify before I jump entirely into this story.
I found God when I was around eight years old, or maybe a better way of saying it is He found me. I grew up going to church every Sunday, and I had a good foundation of Jesus from an early age. When I decided to invite Him into my heart and my life, it was an exciting moment for me, and one that would change the course of my life as I knew it. Little did I know, I would endure many bumps in the road in the upcoming years (ahh growing up).
I don’t even remember how old I was when my sister first started listening to twenty one pilots. She would ask me to drive around with her around our small town late at night, and she would play me their songs and ask me what I thought they meant. I probably heard the song “Oh Ms. Believer” hundreds of times in that period. The thing is, I didn’t care to listen to the lyrics. The music was great, but I didn’t appreciate it. My sister enjoyed it though, and she was always on me about taking the time to listen to them. She insisted that you could find religious symbolism in it and that as a writer, I would appreciate their music.
When the album “Blurryface” came out, I listened to it frequently and enjoyed it, but I still didn’t take the time to look at the lyrics. I considered myself a fan, but not apart of the “Skeleton Clique,” as fans of TOP are often called. Thanks to my brother, I attended a twenty one pilots concert in February of 2017 in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I had not been to many concerts at this point, but I knew right away that a twenty one pilots concert was different than a typical concert. A mix of rap, screamo, rock, and pop with a crazy light show; I was floored and speechless. When Tyler crowd surfed in a giant hamster ball, I realized I have been missing out for most of my life. You could feel the passion in the room; you could feel the love. It was undeniable that Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun love what they do, and who they do it all for.
When twenty one pilots announced their hiatus in July of 2017, I was listening to their music more and more. It was actually during their time away from the world where I allowed myself to fully listen in and invest myself in the music and the lyrics. I began to see the religious context in the lyrics, and I finally understood what my sister was talking about. Around the time that they started posting hints about coming back in 2018, I was beyond ready and excited. Summer of 2018 my brother bought us tickets to their shows in St. Louis and Kansas City that would be in October and November.
“Trench” was released on October 5, 2018. I didn’t listen to anything else for a solid two weeks. I got lost in the lyrics and what they could mean. This album release was during an exciting time in my life as well, so seeing them in concert again in St. Louis was the icing on the cake for me. This was around late October. The concert was just as magical and glorious as I remembered it to be.
Not long after that concert, things in my life began to change. From the stress of school to stress about a relationship, I felt like I was getting attacked at all angles. I was getting behind in classes, and I was rejected and taken advantage of by someone I trusted. My self-esteem shattered and it sent me spiraling into darkness. I cried often, and I just felt like shutting everyone out. I didn’t have a lot of trust left. I would sit in church and chapel services at my school and feel nothing. Sometimes I would consider leaving because I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want to listen.
In late November right before Thanksgiving, I was on my way to Kansas City, Missouri, for another twenty one pilots concert. I remember feeling relieved to be going again because I knew it would drown out my thoughts for a couple of hours. I have always struggled with being a slave of my mind. I get consumed by my thoughts, and I can’t seem to break free. I think that’s a big reason why I’ve grown to love and appreciate twenty one pilots so much; Tyler writes about insecurities and struggles with things like anxiety, depression, and suicide. He approaches it head on and writes about it with raw honesty. For instance, in his song “Screen,” some of the lyrics he writes include, “While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life, so excuse us while we sing to the sky.” Later in the song, there’s a bridge that repeats, “We’re broken, we’re broken, we’re broken people,” over and over again. That to me is the most beautiful thing ever (might’ve been teary-eyed hearing thousands of people singing it together in unison). It’s like an anthem for humanity; it’s a cry to God. It’s us just saying we cannot handle this life on our own, and that’s why we need Jesus.
This show in Kansas City was different than the others for me, maybe because I came into the concert weary and feeling close to crumbling to pieces. Toward the end of the set, Tyler sings “Leave The City,” a song that is already heartfelt and emotional enough, and then to finish off the show; they always end it with the song “Trees.” It is by far my favorite song, and the fact that they always sing it at the end makes it about 100x more emotional for me.
Because it is my favorite song, I usually always film a snippet of it on my phone to look back on and remember, but on this particular night, I didn’t take my phone out. I just sang along with Tyler and the thousands of fans surrounding me. Something inside of me shifted. I found myself wiping tears from my cheeks.
The lyrics of the song are interesting. How I’ve always interpreted the song is Tyler searching for God. He’s standing there silently, wanting to speak, but no words come. That’s kind of how I was feeling with God in this season I was in. When Tyler sang, “I can feel your breath, I can feel my death. I want to know you, I want to see, I want to say, hello,” I felt the presence of God for the first time in what felt like the longest time. I couldn’t feel Him in church, I couldn’t feel Him in chapel, but I felt Him at a twenty one pilots concert.
It felt like He was ripping open the ceiling of that giant stadium to come and find me where I was — in my mess, in my brokenness. I truly believe with every part of my being that God can and will show up and meet you in any place at any moment. I know He met me right where I was, at the Sprint Center in Kansas City, Missouri. It was like He was responding to me and saying, “Hello, it’s nice to see you, too.”
That moment changed everything. It not only changed the way I see God, but it changed the way that I look at music. It was a reminder that God would come for me, just like He promised He would.
So if you’ve taken the time to read this far, I have two things to tell you.
Regardless of where your relationship with God is, whether you’ve completely run from Him or you’re as close as ever with Him, He will not stop fighting for your heart. Whatever it takes to get your attention, He will do it.
twenty one pilots is a rare breed in this dark world. I promise they are not just some punk emo band with weird songs and a lead singer who screams in every song. They are so deserving of everything good in this world. Take the time and listen to their lyrics. Search for God in them. Ask me to send you my favorite songs from them. ;)