A world where we end up together.

I had a birthday recently, and I spent a great deal of time reflecting on my life and everything that had happened to me over the years. I thought a lot about my writing career and what that might look like now that I’ve entered into a new decade of my life. I always want to write from my heart, and write the truth that is inside me. I think as I get older, the more willing I am to write about things I’ve gone through and the lessons I learned through those situations.

In 2018, I endured a situation that still, to this day, takes captive of my mind and haunts my dreams. It brought a lot of damage to my mind and spirit. I lost sleep for months, and I didn’t have any words left to pray. I’ve gone back and forth for a long time asking myself if I should share this experience or not. The world doesn’t need to know the whole story, but I do think that as a writer, I’m obligated to share my truth. I look to Anne Lamott as a writing mentor, and she once said that “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories.”

I’m convinced I always meet guys when I’m not looking for them. I met this guy in early February of 2018, and I had gone through a rough break up in 2017, so I was hesitant about putting myself out there again. I gave the guy a chance, and he won me over with his charm and confidence. I’ve learned over the years that I’m drawn to guys who are confident in themselves and their abilities. They excel in everything they do because they’re driven and passionate, and girls like me are quick to jump the gun the moment they show any interest in me. Like my previous boyfriends before, he embodied all the qualities I wish I had in myself.

Every time I was around him, I swear the sky was always beautiful blue, and despite the cold temperature, I felt warm and fuzzy. I could see date nights and coffee runs and him joining my family for Sunday lunch after church. I saw endless nights of driving at night listening to the music that made us feel alive.

But as quickly as the relationship started, it just ended. His reasons for ending things made sense to me at the time, but it didn’t make it easy for me to accept. I sat in his car as he explained to me what a catch I was, and I tried my hardest to pull myself together so I would not cry in front of him. I did not want him to see how hurt I was by his decision. I cried that night in the shower because I had already imagined a world in which we ended up together. I hated that I had gotten my hopes up before we even became official. I hated the expectation I had of a relationship happening.

For the next couple of months, I would visit this coffee shop he had taken me to for Valentine’s Day. I’d wonder what would happen if he walked through the door. Would his eyes meet mine, and would he realize he’s missed me all along? Would he know he made a mistake? Would he come to sit across from me and look at me the way that no one else had before him? I will never forget the day when I was there one Sunday afternoon doing homework, and I looked up and saw him. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I wanted to shout his name. I waited for him to make eye contact with me, but then my stomach dropped as I caught sight of her. He was with another girl. It felt like seeing your favorite football team lose right at the last second. I wished I had never gone there in the first place; I wished I could undo what I just saw. I no longer wanted him to see me, so I looked down and put my laptop in front of my face. He eventually left with her, and I couldn’t focus on school after that. I wanted to leave and go somewhere to be alone. That moment always sticks in my mind when I think of what the definition of heartbreak is. Heartbreak is sitting at a coffee shop hoping he’ll come, but seeing him show up with someone else instead. It’s the feeling inside of you that you get when you see him with her, the feelings of not being good enough — The feelings of wanting to disappear, to forget, to be numb to all the pain you feel inside of you.

He had a girlfriend now. He ended things with me, and within a few months, he had already moved on with his life. He was moving on, and I was stuck in “what might have been.” Over the summer, I tried to forget about how hurt that entire situation made me. When I started school again, I said yes to dates when I was asked out. The worst part of agreeing to those dates was I compared every date to him. I could not let go of everything that happened. I ended up reconnecting with him in September, and I talked with him one night and learned that he was single again.

I had pined for this guy for seven months, and here he was, brought back to me by some unknown force, maybe fate or coincidence or God himself. Maybe it was too good to be true, maybe it would all come crashing down with time, but I wanted to try. I needed to try and feel it all and learn for myself.

I’ve always believed in second chances, and here was our second chance. It started out just as magical as the first time. Being with him was feeling understood and validated at all times. I truly believed this time we would have the relationship I always wanted to have.

I should have known. That’s what I tell myself now. I should have known it wouldn’t work. I should have seen it coming the moment his texts came hours later instead of minutes. I should have seen it coming when he would make plans with me and then bail out last minute. I should have seen it coming after I had already bought our tickets for homecoming and then he told me he wasn’t coming anymore. I should have seen it coming when her name popped up on his phone that night in his car, and then that night in his office. She was the same girl who was with him at the coffee shop, and the one he dated for all those months after.

My gut was telling me something was up. I didn’t know what to do — I didn’t want to question anything unless I knew 100%. I did the only thing I could think of — I utilized social media and did some digging. Unfortunately, I found all the proof I needed, and I was devastated to figure out that he was also talking to her while also talking to me. It felt like every single moment together was all one big lie.

I remember sobbing in my car, and I just kept saying, “I can’t believe this is happening. I’m such a fool. I’m not good enough, I’ve never been good enough.” As I was driving back to campus, this song came on that felt like everything I was going through. There’s this line from the song that goes, “Give me your lips that taste of her, I’d kiss them again,” and I kept wondering if he had kissed her right before kissing me. If he had held her close the night before he held me; if he had stroked her hair the same way he stroked mine. If he sent her the same sweet good morning text messages early in the morning. I thought about her and why he might want her instead of me.

When I finally confronted him about everything, I did not get the answers or the clarity I wanted. He admitted to losing feelings for me, but my constant source of affirmation and encouragement made him feel good, so he kept me around. Those words were a slap to my face, and I chose to walk away from the situation and him.

“So I let you go, not because it is what I want, but because I must. In your absence, I try to find myself once again.” I wrote these words in a poem that I wrote about everything that happened between us.

Walking away from him was the last thing my heart wanted, but I did not want to be someone’s second choice. If I wanted to be on The Bachelor, I would have signed up to be on The Bachelor. If I wanted to fight over a guy and share him with someone else, I would have been on the show. No, I want to be the only girl who gets a rose from the guy I’m pursuing. I will never compete with someone else for a boy.

My self-esteem was shattered, and I stopped talking to God. I knew everything that happened was partially my fault for jumping back into something with the guy, and I didn’t want to hear God say, “I told you so.” I want to make it known that God never condemns us — I knew that all along, but I felt so much shame in what had happened that I convinced myself that God was disappointed in me.

The next several months were full of tears and restless nights. In January I went to my friends and told them I couldn’t handle my emotions anymore. I was seeing the guy around campus, and I could hardly make eye contact with him because I felt like I might throw up. I couldn’t focus on my homework, and I was getting two hours of sleep every night. Life no longer held much excitement for me. I have always struggled with handling my emotions. I feel things so deeply, and I hold onto things longer than I should. I was mourning the loss of the relationship, and I was trying to deal with the fact that the guy was back with that girl, and probably happier than ever. How could he go on with his life when there’s a wound in my heart from what he did to me?

What’s so crazy is while I was running from God, God was running to me. He was bringing me closer to my friends. My friends were loving me back to life and encouraging me every step of the way. I could feel God’s love through them. I started sleeping better, I was getting my work done, and life was looking up. I was getting to a place where I realized what had happened to me was not my fault. If someone is not interested in me, that is not my problem. It doesn’t take away from who I am and what I can offer someone.

I am in a much better place now than I was at the beginning of the year. I have invested a lot of time and love into the beautiful friendships I have, and I stopped running from God. I looked that boy in the eyes a few months ago, and I wished him well. I don’t write this post to slam him or drag him — I truly do want him to be happy. There’s a part of me that will always care about him, and that will treasure the good memories we had together. Every day I have to choose forgiveness constantly. I have to choose to walk in the freedom God tells me belongs to me. There is freedom in forgiveness; there is freedom in letting go. I have never felt more empowered in my life than the moment I chose to forgive. It’s not easy at all, and sometimes I think about everything that happened, and I feel that familiar sense of insecurity and worthlessness. I get fearful that history will repeat itself and that I’m always destined to fall for the wrong guys and end up hurt and disappointed. I get worried that I’m going to meet the most wonderful guy and that I’ll ruin everything because I won’t be able to trust again. I’ve been able to recognize all of my faults and issues, and I am bringing them to God so that I can be prepared for the right one to come. I am working on piecing together my heart and being able to look in the mirror and honestly believe I am worthy of good things.

I know men and women are reading this right now who have been in similar situations. I didn’t tell the whole story, I left out many details, but I’m sure I’m not the only person who has felt this way. My heart goes out to you and breaks for you. I know the pain you must be feeling or have felt before. I don’t think it will ever go away, but I know and believe that God is the God of restoration. I hope that you don’t believe that you somehow deserve to be treated the way you were. I hope you surround yourself with people who love you and want to see you happy and healthy. I hope you bring your broken heart to God and that you don’t build up walls to keep people out. I wanted to shut people out too, but the best decision I ever made was to let people in again. I hope you choose today to walk in forgiveness.

One of my favorite shows is Avatar: The Last Airbender. They did a spin-off sequel called The Legend of Korra, and in the season 1 finale, Avatar Aang gave some solid advice that I want to extend to you:

“When we reach our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.”

You can change some things in your life now. Who you are and how you view yourself is up to you. I remember my favorite writer calling me when I had learned about the other girl, and she told me, “You can’t make a man choose you.” We can’t control someone else’s actions, but we can choose to put ourselves first and walk away from a situation that hurts us or hinders our growth.

My friend, I am so proud of you! And I’m cheering you on every step of the way in your pursuit of wholeness. I know you deserve all the good things life has to offer, and I pray you find them.