Let’s Talk the Enneagram: Thoughts From a Four.

July of 2018 was when I first took the enneagram test. Thinking back, I don’t remember what got me to do it, but I can imagine it came from Instagram. I took the test and got my results: I was an enneagram 4.

I immediately started looking up the 4, and I just cringed the entire time I read the description. The accuracy was hurtful. It was like reading my diary out loud: creative, emotional, sensitive, moody, self-conscious, never satisfied.

I have spent my whole life never being able to understand myself. My moods constantly shifted, I always got my feelings hurt, I hated competitions, nothing came easily to me. I had to work so hard to be good at really anything. When I feel things, I feel them in ways that are hard to explain to others. I started listening to Taylor Swift at a young age and even though I had never been in love before, I felt like I had every time I listened to her. I felt the loss in her songs, and it’s something I still do to this day. Most of my favorite artists are the ones who write their own songs about love, loss, faith, mental health, and the list goes on. I immerse myself in waves of melancholy and despair. I never felt like I fit in anywhere: in my family, my friend groups, my church, my school. I always felt different, like an outsider. It’s interesting because I had many friends, I got along with everyone, and I was bubbly and full of life. As I got older, I began to sense a difference between me and everyone else. I was without a real identity.

I was into stories at a young age. I would watch the same movies repeatedly, I’d dress up in outfits and act out the stories I was reading. I took books with me everywhere, and I mean everywhere (like the mall). I found depth, beauty, and purpose in stories. Stories still resonate with me, which is why I’m majoring in Writing and want to do it for the rest of my life.

I cry over anything, I’m incredibly self-conscious, and I have a hard time believing in myself and what I’m capable of. I find myself struggling with comparison, and it eats me alive. I always see others and their strengths. Most people I know are so talented, capable, and driven. I have friends who are good at everything, and it’s hard not to compare when I feel like I’m bad at everything. I grew up with people who naturally could do things, or they were good at every subject in school. I was never like that, and it bothered me. I began to build my identity around how unlike everyone else I was. I’m not the type to wish people didn’t have these amazing qualities that they possess; what I want is to also have those things. I always feel like I am missing something that everyone else seems to have.

It got worse when I got to the age where I was interested in boys and dating. I never realized I had a type until early 2018. All the guys I’ve ever been interested in were everything I was not. Being with them, being noticed by them, was everything to me. Being with them made me feel secure and protected, like they could do the things I thought I was incapable of. They were the ones who were confident when they walked into the room. They were leaders, and they never let their emotions get in the way of anything. To be honest, they felt pretty emotionless to me. They were the future of business, politics, marketing, and I would dive in head-first in a sea of longing and love to be with them.

Every time one of them would leave, the rejection would hit me hard. I mourned the loss, and I blamed myself every single time. The problem had to be me—me, the overly emotional, dramatic, damaged girl who wasn’t good at anything except crying and ruining good things. That’s how I viewed myself. I was convinced nobody would truly see me, notice me, love me for who I am. If I was just smarter, prettier, skinnier, had different hobbies, passions, maybe then they would have stayed. I was drowning in all these emotions, and I had no idea how to process them healthily. I would lose sleep, overeat, not have any motivation to do anything, and I acted like a victim.

When I took the enneagram test, everything started clicking: the feeling of being different, the intense emotions, acting as if I’m always a victim, feeling rejected, always searching for meaning, and wanting to be understood. It made sense, even though it was hard to read about all my flaws. The one thing that really resonated with me was about searching for a rescuer. Four’s are continually searching for something, or someone, to rescue them. From what? It might be different for everyone. For me, I did that with my romantic relationships. I always saw the guy as a saving grace, someone to love me, and embody all the things I lack, all the things I really wanted to be. In a way, I just wanted someone to save me from myself, and all these emotions I’m constantly dealing with.

The awareness of my tendencies changed everything. I went 19 years feeling like I could not explain myself as a person, or make sense of why I was the way I was. I spent a great deal of time not only studying the 4, but the other types as well. Luckily, all my friends were getting into the enneagram, so we could talk about it, and I not only started understanding myself, but my friends too. I got my family to take the test, and things started making sense to each of us. I felt my relationships were beginning to change for the better. I now know how to love each of my friends better and encourage them. I can pinpoint what causes them stress and what motivates them, and it helps provide advice to them. The thing is: we’re all different, and we process things differently. We’re all motivated and stressed by different things, and one solution that might work for you may not work for your friend. Knowing my friend’s and their enneagram types helps me in providing wise counsel, and it helps in knowing how to pray for them.

I still have a hard time being a 4. The more I study other types, the more part of me wishes I was a different type. God has heard it all from me, and I know there’s no changing the way He made me. I’m very passionate about stories, music, and anything that has depth. While I think it’s a beautiful thing, it’s also hard for me because when it comes to the real world, it feels like a waste of time when I look at what others are doing. But something inside of me knows and believes I carry these passions because it’s important, and it’s something that the world desperately needs.

I still battle my feelings daily, but I’ve come to realize I don’t have to do this all alone. I’ve taken steps in my own life to get professional help and Christian counseling in overcoming my feelings and fears of rejection, and it’s been good for my mind and soul. In no way do I process my emotions perfectly every single time, but I’m learning how and working on getting better. I think that’s been the biggest takeaway from the enneagram—how can I become better? You can't look at something like the enneagram and use it as a way to justify your toxic behaviors. “Oh, I can’t change those things about myself. It’s just who I am.” That is not what the enneagram is and what it’s about. Use the enneagram to notice your strengths and weaknesses and work on them. Notice your patterns when you’re healthy and when you’re not.

I do believe I’m becoming a better person in many areas of my life, and I know when I finally meet someone and open my heart up again, I’ll be ready. There are parts of me that can’t help but wonder, would any of them have stayed if I was aware of my tendencies before? If I had known what I know now about myself, could I have changed the outcome? I can’t sit and wonder anymore because it’ll only make me miserable. I know many factors played into my relationships ending, and it wasn’t just me. I can’t blame myself and continue to praise them, it’s not fair to me.

I also know when I become a parent someday, the enneagram will change the way I treat each of my children. I think I’ll be prepared to love them the way they need to be loved, and I’ll be able to see their healthy and unhealthy sides and help them through it. I love talking about the enneagram with people and learning their types. I always write it down, and now I have a whole collection of people and their types saved, so I’ll never forget.

I can see the beauty in each type, and although I tend to dismiss the 4 because it’s what I am, I know what makes a 4 so unique and valuable. Some of the most amazing, beautiful people I’ve ever known are 4’s, and I always wish more people would be like them. It’s hard for me to look at myself and see myself that way, but I’m trying to. I want to see myself the way God sees me, and I hope the more I seek His face, I’ll understand why I am like this. I could never go through this life without Jesus, and I know His words over me are light and kind. I have to remind myself that I am not my feelings—they do not define me. They are a part of me, but there’s so much more to me than just that. I want to see the value that I bring to the table, and I want to know that what I’m doing matters. I want to love myself and not be disappointed with the girl who looks back at me in the mirror. She is all I have, and although she feels unnoticed most of the time, she keeps going. It’s quite courageous.

If we ever cross paths, talk about the enneagram with me. Tell me your type, tell me how it all made sense when you started researching. Tell me how it’s changed your life. Tell me how you suddenly find yourself “typing” people: the ones you work with, characters in movies and books, and people you follow on social media. If we don’t ever cross paths physically, email me. I’d love to connect with you! If you’ve never taken the enneagram test before, I’d love to talk with you about it and go in-depth with you about your type. Reach out to me!